Courting in Asgard
by MistyMidnightCove
Summary: Thor and Loki find girls and are rather "enjoying" themselves. Oh, sibling rivalry. But can they cope with each other's ideas of dating? CRACK. REALLY CRACK. Rated T for faking deaths, ridiculous relationships, and Loki's attitude. Thor/OC. Loki/OC. Crack.
1. SHE DIED!

**READERS NOTE:**

Now some of you, if you know your facts would now that elves don't talk modernly but much like Thor. I realize this and I'm not trying to change that, but it's part of Evona's back story.

When her mother was on Alfheim she rebelled against the kingdom. Therefore she was given a banishment sentence. She was sent to Midgard, more commonly known as Earth.

The kingdom had yet to realize that she was pregnant. Her mother was given a permanent banishment, so she could never return. When she had her child on Midgard, that being a beautiful baby girl, it had to stay with her. She had no way to take care of the child and after learning what foster care was place Evona in it. She has never seen her child since.

On Evona's 18th birthday she discovered what she was and the BiFrost was opened up to her. The old time language threw her off, she still talks with an American accent, and she talks modernly.

Also… This is pretty cracky. Forgive the fact that they're both in sudden relationships. It's for the story. xD

**xXxXx**

"The female I am courting wishes you, and your current female companion, to join us for a feast on Midgard." Thor looked down at his leather-like boots, deciding how to phrase the interesting proposition to his brother.

"Her name," Loki said, keeping his eyes down on the ground, "is Kai. If you call her my 'female companion', you might get physically harmed."

"So you will join us for the feast, though?" Thor asked.

"If I said 'no', would she be offended?" Loki looked straight ahead and refused to look at his brother on the left side of him. Thor was also avoiding Loki's eye contact. Courting was always an off subject for them.

"Quite possibly." Thor now looked at the same place Loki was, still avoiding eye contact.

"Then I refuse." There was awkward fidgeting as well an awkward silence. "I was kidding, bother."

"Alright then. We shall see you there in 4 days time. You and I shall meet at the BiFrost and travel together!" Thor said gaily as he slapped Loki on the back with a smile from ear to ear.

As Thor left the 'feasting room' his leather boots clicking as he did so, Loki shuddered before muttering, "What have I gotten myself into?" He phrased it as more of an 'Oh crap' than he did a question.

Thor's cape wisped behind him as he walked through the halls of the Asgardian palace his hammer hanging in his hand. As he reached his quarters he place his hammer on a lovely small display table meant for only the Mjolnir. He gently removed his cape and placed it on two hooks that were attached to the wall.

Thor began to look at all of his clothing trying to decide what would be appropriate for his feast with their lady friends. He began trying on a few outfits to please his new elf girlfriend. Suddenly there was a knock at the door.

Thor looked in the mirror and panicked. He couldn't answer his door in this condition! "One moment!" He called, his echoes ringing throughout the room. He reached for some of his Midgard clothing and pulled his other clothing off slipping into the jeans and t-shirt as fast as he could. He kicked his other clothing under his bed. And rushed for the door on the other side of the room. When he first began running there was once more a knock and a clearing of a throat.

Thor swung upon the door, strands of hair misplaced, and slightly out of breath. "Are you okay, Thor?" Evona walked under his gigantic arm, one eyebrow raised.

"Evona, you arrived so suddenly. I didn't know you were coming." Thor sat on his bed and kicked his clothing farther under.

"I've been here the whole time. Oh and by the way, a date is not a feast Thor."

"Then you have lied." Thor looked at her confused.

"No, I said a date is a few intimate friends going out to eat." Evona looked suspiciously at Thor.

"But I am only intimate with you, I do not care for the gray eyed girl." Thor stood after checking that his stuffed clothing was not visible.

"You don't have to be intimate with everybody, just the person you bring. I brought you. Loki is bringing the gray-eyed girl. I think she has black hair, too."

"How much do we eat?" Evona was still poking around nearly empty room.

"You… you will probably still be hungry. Loki, his date, and myself since we aren't giants will be filled. What ever you do, don't eat before you come, let me order, and don't request more… and no smashing. If you are still hungry wait 'til you get home to eat more."

"Oh, I see. Will Loki enjoy something like this?" Thor asked.

"You're his brother, shouldn't you know? And why are you wearing Midgard clothing?"

Thor hesitated trying to come up with some excuse. "Why should I not?" He shrugged.

"Hmm, I don't know let me think. Maybe because you're not on Midgard!"

"They're comfortable?" He tried.

"You're acting weird. I'll come back later, don't let him chicken out! Even if he only has ten seconds to live. Take him with you!" With that Evona flipped her blonde (almost white it was so freaking blonde) hair around and left Thor standing confused in the middle of his bedroom.

**xXxXx**

"Well I'm not going!" Loki's 'date' folded her arms across her chest and tapped her foot impatiently. Kai wasn't one for things like that. Especially when it had to do with Thor. She would rather play card games with Loki with just the two of them.

"Please, what am I to tell Thor?" Loki sat on his bed, completely hunched over. Which was extraordinarily abnormal for him.

"That you died, that you're sick, that you have a rare eye disease only found in geese. You can figure it out!" She began pacing and throwing her arms in the air.

"I can't tell him I died if I'm speaking to him." Loki reasoned.

She shot a stabbing glare in his direction that could have killed. "It's Thor, he's not that bright."

"You underestimate him. I think I'll go with the eye disease thing." Loki stood and resumed his perfect posture. A.K.A. The stick got shoved back up his spine.

**xXxXx**

"Thor, I'm terribly sorry. But I have a rare eye disease only found in geese. I'm afraid I can not accompany you tonight." Loki's voice was stiff as he went through with the lie.

"Oh, I see how it is. Alright, where did you come in contact with a goose?" Thor asked gently, picking at something on his cape.

"There was a random goose in the water to the side of the rainbow bridge and I touched it… with my eye." Loki said. Thor flipped up to give him a very suspicious glance, but before he could question him further, they were interrupted.

Evona entered the feasting room where the boys were chatting. Loki had one of his father's eye patches firmly attached to his eye.

"Loki can't come!" Thor shouted as the door shut.

"Why?" Evona said, going a bit closer.

"He traded his eye with a goose's." Thor was smiling as he said it simply.

"NO!" Loki yelled and slammed his face into his hand. "I have an eye disease, found in geese! You incompetent fool…"

"Oh okay, Thor let's go get his girly friend and go. Loki doesn't need to come." Evona was smirking lightly, with the mischief dusted over her pale Elven face.

"It's highly contagious!" Loki shouted after them.

"But you aren't coming so we'll be okay." Thor didn't even look back as he said it.

"SHE DIED!" Loki shouted. He held his mouth for a moment and then exclaimed, "KAI DIED!"

Thor and Evona stopped in their strut and turned to look at Loki.

"Really?" Evona whined. "This sucks! Why does ever-" Evona paused mid-sentence as the black-haired girl walked in. (At a very peculiar moment, too). Loki once more smashed his head into his hand.

"Oh crap, you guys aren't gone yet." She said in high tones, faking a smile as she brushed a piece of fluff of her shirt.

"Loki said you were dead." Evona's eyes were wide as she looked over the very not dead girl. Kai's head shot up, and she gave a piercing glare at Loki, who was shrugging and begging her forgiveness with his eyes.

"Well," Kai stopped, considering to herself whether or not she was going to go along with this crap. Loki gave her an emotional look that begged 'PLEASE, OH PLEEEAASE…' and she continued on, "I am. But in the after life…" She paused again. " They don't have bathrooms. So they let me come back for a quick second. I'm just going to take a trip to the bathroom and go."

"Darling, you have come back for last goodbyes!" Loki cried emotionally, raising to his feet. "Give us a hug!" Loki threw his arms open and grinned.

"That's the thing, I'm an apparition…" Kai obviously couldn't decide whether she was saying that to keep going with the lie, or just to get out of hugging Loki. Because, at that particular moment, if she hugged him…

…she would want to stab him. "So, you can't touch me. Sorry."

Thor looked at his left index finger and studied it. He then reached out and lightly poked her in the arm. She was definitely not an apparition.

"THOR!" Loki and the dead girl said in unison.

"She's not dead after all!" Thor said with a mischievous smile. Usually that was Loki's strong subject, but Thor was enjoying it at the moment.

"Why do you have to ruin everything? She died okay, just let her die!" Loki wailed from the opposite side of the room.

"Thor, you have touched me." Kai began dramatically.

"Yes, you live."

She held her arm and stumbled backwards. "I see them again. The lights, so pure and white! Beckoning me to the bathroom-less afterlife!"

"What? Are you jesting? You are going to Hell!" Loki smacked his hand over his mouth to stop himself from further speaking. And with that, his girlfriend fell to the ground and her body went completely limp.

Thor walked over and placed his hand in front of her mouth. "I do not feel her breath. Loki come perform mouth-to-mouth."

Kai suddenly took a deep breath, deeper than she would have originally. She jumped up from the ground. "Nope, suddenly I'm fine. But I don't feel well. Maybe I should stay here in Asgard and rest up."

"No come with us. It will get your mind off of it. Plus, you won't die in our care!" Thor exclaimed broadly. Evona was shooting daggers at Loki through her eyes. Crystal light blue eyes like hers shouldn't have been capable of such horrifying glares.

"Now, listen. You two get all spiffed up, and Thor and I will be waiting at the bottom of the palace. You'd better show." Evona didn't even look away from Loki to say the threat. And with that, Thor and Evona walked together out through the large feasting hall. Kai sat up, brushed off her pants, and sighed.

"Loki, I just gave that whole dramatic performance for nothing." She said softly.

"I poked my eye with a goose for nothing." Loki argued like a two year old.

"NO YOU DIDN'T!" Kai then pick up a near by china plate and happily threw it at Loki's head... with spot on aim.


	2. Dinner Date Disaster

Thor picked at the lettuce wrap as did everyone else at the table. The appetizer was nearly gone and Thor feared drinking and becoming vulnerable.

As the waitress approached, Evona started ordering to avoid introduction.

"I'll have the Teriyaki chicken with a side of chow mein please." Evona handed the waitress her menu. "What do you want Thor?"

"I wish to eat nothing more."

"Why not? There's no way a man your size is full already." Evona looked at Thor, concerned for his well being.

"You told me to wait until I got home to eat more." Thor whispered to Evona.

"That thing we just ate, that was an appetizer, this is the meal, then we'll have desert, now what do you want?" Evona tried to keep her voice low, after all she didn't want to the Midgardians to think her date was a nut job.

"Oh, in that case I'll have the same." Thor had no idea what to eat, so he trusted Evona's judgement.

Meanwhile: Kai kept her menu in front of her face and Loki did the same with his own.

"I can't believe you talked me into this!"

"I can't believe Thor talked me into this!" The two whispered back and forth.

"You had to say I was dead?" Kai, after noticing that Thor was staring at her awkwardly, lowered her head closer to the table.

"Keep in mind that was one of the suggestions you gave me." Loki reminded her.

"I didn't think you'd use it! Also keep in mind," she mocked. "I suggested you say you were dead, not me."

"Yeah then Evona showed up, she's smarter than Thor on wine." Loki argued.

"Are you going to order Brother?" Thor looked at Loki and then back to the waitress who had her hair pinned up quite nicely in a tight bun.

"Ah yes, one moment, let me just look at my menu."

"You've been looking at your menu for 35 minutes." Everyone was staring at Loki. Even the waitress who technically didn't have a right.

"Yes, yes, I'll have..." he paused and skimmed the menu. Then realizing that nothing sounded familiar he pointed randomly in the meal section. "That."

"You want that? That's unique. Good choice." The waitress looked at him suspiciously then moved on to Kai who ordered sweet and sour chicken with fried rice.

"Do you have any idea what you just ordered?" Kai looked at Loki with a jaw dropping face.

"I haven't the slightest idea, after all it's written in Chinese." Loki looked at Kai who was wide eyed and staring right back at him.

"Yeah but you didn't know that until about 10 seconds ago when you looked at it. Plus the description was in English. This is going to turn out to be a very interesting night after all."

When their food arrived, Thor looked at the serving and his mouth dropped.

"No wonder you are all so small," he began after the waitress walked away.

"Thor," Evona tried to stop him from further speaking.

"You eat the serving of a child!"

"Where as you eat the child itself." Loki said still holding his menu. "Why am I the only one left with a menu?"

"Because you were sitting on it. Remember?" Kai said taking it and putting it on the table next to them where a family sat that had given there menus back a long time ago.

When they began eating, Kai waited for the waitress to come with their drinks. Then she licked her thumb and index finger at the same time, placed them over the stick candle, and put out the flame with a 'TTSSS.'

The waitress patiently relit it and walked away. Kai waited until the waitress could see her again before putting out the candle a second time.

She walked to their table. "Would you like your candle relit?"

"Yes, of course. Please do."The waitress clicked the lighter a few times before it actually decided to work. When it did, Kai blew it out like a birthday candle, even though it was still on the lighter.

"If you don't want it lit, we won't light it." She looked at Kai firmly.

"Oh no, we definitely want it lit." Kai smirked.

The waitress heaved a sigh and relit the candle, then walked away quickly before Kai could repeat the action.

"Are you going to put it out again?" Loki looked at her with one eyebrow raised, waiting for her to stop looking into space and put out the candle. When actually, she was waiting for the waitress to look at her.

"Wait for it." Kai waited until the waitress could see her and the put out the candle again. It gave a weak sizzling noise before dying completely.

The waitress stomped over and pulled out a match. "It appears for some odd reason our lighter has run out of gas." She stared intensely at Kai.

"Hum, I wonder why."

"Oh you blew it out when you turned around!" Kai gave a small immature snicker.

The waitress whipped around and lit the candle again as had been repeated so many times previous.

"I'm going to have to ask you to leave of you do this one more time." The waitress was furious.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. Refusing service for nothing isn't really something that will get the employee if the month award."

The waitress kindly grabbed the candle and took it to the kitchen she was to sweet to kick her out.

Kai waited until the waitress had returned and paid a visit.

"Why'd you take our candle?" Loki asked as if nothing had happened.

"Oh well we ran out of matches so I found it useless to leave it sitting there."

"Out of matches huh? Let's test that theory." Kai stood and walked to the nearest table. It was a cute teenage couple, probably on there first date. Kai put out there candle and walked back to her seat.

"Hey!" The high pitched tone of the girls voice scared Kai.

"What was that for?" The teenage boy had squeaked on the word that.

"Oh crap, looks like they have to go without a candle too."

Only then did they start eating.

"What is this?" Loki pulled a substance out of his soup.

"That would be half of an onion." The waitress said before leaving.

"Chop it up or put the whole thing I there but don't just give me half of it!" Loki said as he put it back in with hopes that it would disintegrate. "What is this?"

"Mine!" Kai leaned over and took the calamari out of his chop sticks and ate it on the spot.

"Do I dare ask what this is?" Loki put it in his mouth. He began to fidget and his left eye twitched.

"That would be sour squid leg." Thor said. Oh yes, because he would know.

Loki trying to keep his manners, so he reached for a napkin and spit into it. So he had eaten nothing yet.

"What it this?" Loki asked sipping his water.

"Snake skin, I think. Or it's the rattle."

"Those are two opposite ends of a snakes body, how can you not tell the difference?" Loki placed the slop under the table on the floor.

"You're one to talk! You have yet to know what a single thing is that's come out of that soup." Kai bragged.

"I'm sorry I gotta go pee. Be right back." Kai licked her fingers before leaving the table and put out every table's candle on her way.

Complaints were heard from every table. Then Kai screamed and was later seen being haled out by security.

Loki cleared his throat to brake the awkward silence of the restaurant. He pulled out a long strand of a thin furry substance. Loki's face became disgusted and his bottom lip quivered. "What. Is. This?"

"That's cow skin." Evona said. "I've seen it before on fear factor."

"I am joining Kai! I will be sitting on the curb!" Loki then reached out and put out a neighboring candle. "Heh, that's kinda fun."

Kai's head popped through the door and the security began to walk over. "I know right!" She then let out a small scream at the sight of the security and rushed back out to the parking lot.

As he sat with Kai a slight breeze blew and Loki offered her his jacket. Since she didn't really say yes or no he just put it around her shoulders and Kai continued to stare off into space.

"You know we could plot revenge against them and plan a horrible date." Loki said as he watched strands of Kai's hair sway gently in the breeze.

"Sh, just look." She continued staring at the sky. "We know so much about the universe, and they now so little. It's beautiful, it really is, and we take it for granted." Her eyes continued to sweep the stars.

Loki was surprised that Kai could have such a tender moment with stars.

"We can see entire nebulas, and they see a few specks of stars. They go star gazing just to look at what little they have, and we just see it as a normal everyday thing."

"Yes, but we admire things like the rainbow bridge, the castle, and things such as Thor's hammer or other useful weapons." Kai waited until Loki had finished talking then without taking her eyes of the stars she smacked him clean across the face. He gave a small grunt. "Yeah stars are beautiful too."


End file.
